Friday, 26 August 2011

just then.

The days we used to just lay in bed, in each others arms, listen to music. It made us happy. Then we would fall asleep. When I open my eyes, seeing you there was the best feeling. We would hug each other so tight and promise we would never let go. Never ever leave each other. And it was gonna end like every other fairytale, we were gonna fight everything that was in our way and be happily ever after.

First love is something like this.

Life. A big dark hole that we don't know what's in it. But what gets you to be so attached to that mystery hole? Lots. Think about it; your childhood, your family, your friends.. Oh, and the biggest moment of all; first love. With your first love, you start believing in love, you have unforgettable times, you feel like flying, your world changes, your head spins. You feel drunk but you never wanna be sober. You just wanna hold his hands, looks at his eyes and listen to his heartbeat. First love becomes your fairytale. You never wanna sleep, you don't wanna dream. You wanna be awake and make the dreams real with him. You wanna marry him, build a family, a home, be with him forever, but it doesn't happen. He leaves, you cry. You lose your faith in love. Life makes no sense to you anymore, you don't even wanna live.
-Be careful, if you try being friends with him, he might not want it, because "he is a man and has pride".- 
You wait for him to come back one day, he doesn't. Time goes by and you become friends, even best friends. You look at the old days together and laugh. But still, there would be a twitch in your heart every time you're with him. Because he is your first love, he is special, the most precious. Who knows, maybe he will be your most precious love forever.

How many words can you swallow?

Sometimes the only thing you can think about is the man you gave your heart to. He doesn't leave your thoughts, you don't even realise that you're thinking about him. Then you get angry at yourself for thinking about him when you're not supposed to, so you put your head to the pillow, and whatever you do he is still in your dreams even in every breathe you take.

While you're afraid of getting used to him, you realise you became him. Without realising, you start acting like him. You smile like him, you think like him. You say I miss you calling you "aşkım". No matter how much your heart wants him, you can't tell yourself you can't have him. Whenever you see a happy couple you think of them as "you and him". When you see platonic loves in movies you say "Just go fucking tell him, it's not worth hurting yourself this much." when you can't even find the guts to do it yourself.

You start thinking about the old times. Keep saying "I wish I haven't.., what if..". He becomes the only thing that takes all your thoughts, but you cover your feelings with a paper, let him take over your thoughts and swallow everything you want to say then make him your 'everything'.

One day.

You're gonna have a life, without me in it. Because you're gonna have 'your life' and you're gonna be 'her life'.

One day, you're gonna let her love your eyelashes. She's gonna enjoy playing with your hair. She's gonna cook for you, you're gonna watch TV with her, watch movies underneath the warm blanket in her arms. Your nose is gonna be touching her neck to smell her, your lips are gonna kiss her. You're gonna walk around holding each others hands tightly. You're gonna hug her in your sleep. You're gonna tell her about your dream while you're heaving breakfast. You're gonna go to movies, watch games and she will be jealous of some of your friends. Then she's gonna meet your friends, your friends are gonna like her, you're gonna go out for drinks together, celebrate birthdays. You're gonna go on holidays, and maybe on the last day you're gonna sip your wines at the beach and make love everyday. You're gonna make love with someone else! Sometimes you're gonna play video games together, then go out for a freshening walk. You're gonna plan your overseas holidays together. You're gonna play with dogs, get some as pets. You're gonna have a house together. With someone else. Your mum's gonna buy her presents, she's gonna cook her favourite meals and ask about her. You're gonna love her so much. You're gonna fall in love with her madly. You're gonna love her. Her hands, her face, her body, her hair, her smile, her thoughts, her jokes, her everything! You're gonna love her.

And I'm gonna be sad. But it's gonna be better, I'm gonna get over it.

One day, I will have a great life too. I'm even gonna have 'my life' and I'm not gonna mention your name anymore. Because he will be 'my life' and I will be 'his'.

One day..

Good morning!

When I wake up in the mornings, I wanna see "Good morning baby" messages on my phone. I wanna miss someone during the day. I wanna miss him so much! And if I miss him so much and cannot wait anymore, I wanna go and hug him. I don't wanna wait!

I wanna think about him when I'm working, and smile just because he's on my mind. Then work harder with the smile.

I wanna love him like I've never loved anyone else. I want him to love me, like I've never been loved.
I want him to love me so much that he even loves my mistakes. I want him love me so much that I would be scared to make any mistakes.

I want him to be a little jealous. I want him to ask where I am, who's calling. But he doesn't need to worry, I won't bother him as much.

When I say "Do you know what happened?" excitingly, I want him to be patient and listen to me. Doesn't matter if he doesn't pay attention, I just want him to listen and say "Okay babe".

Touching hands.

There's a big difference between holding someone's hand and holding it tight! You either hold it, don't hold it or pretend to hold it. I wouldn't do either! Of course you know this. I mean, whose hand I would hold. You can't experiment it. You just know it. Know it! No description. And I will never go anywhere with a person if I don't hold his hand tight. Unless it is exciting and perfect, I'm never going to cook for anyone. And if the lines don't make sense, I won't watch movies with anyone.


I never stayed anywhere for so long, never been with anyone for a long time, never loved anyone. So it was easy to get over it. Except with you. That's why I've been stuck with you for the longest time.

Thursday, 25 August 2011


I'm going insane, or maybe I've already lost my mind. Even though you're not mine anymore, I gave my life to you. If I knew you were gonna love me again, I would beg you and say "Please come back to me.". If I knew you were gonna come back to me, I would put roses everywhere.

You're not really good with timing, I was just crying, about to leave with my suitcase and the teddy you gave me. Don't ask why, because you won't understand that you will be the love of my life, forever.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Her lips..

If I knew you were gonna be by my side again by looking at your eyes, I would never treat you like I did before, never. If I did anything wrong, I would fix it. Even if you didn't love me, I'd make myself loveable to you. And, we wouldn't break up that day. I wouldn't have to tell people how hard it was, I wouldn't fight with my tears and desire. We wouldn't break up.

You never told me about pain, when you were teaching me about love.

I wouldn't have the cuts in my heart. I promise it would never be this way, if it was to be again.

Or maybe it'd be the best if we never loved each other.

Please give me patience. Please be patient. Please stay with me. Please be with me, maybe the future will fix everything. Just stay with me.

I can't help what I'm going through. You didn't stay with me through my hard times.

When you're kissing her lips, please remember me.


Today. Today is a pointless day. It’s a day that people imitate us. Every time I see people celebrating today, I get angry; especially angry at you. Because, I would wait for you with more desire than that girl waiting for his boyfriend, I’m sure more than you would. And still, I’m still waiting for you with desire, I want you to come back. To be honest, I miss you calling me “babe” but I don’t want to remember the day we said “It is over.”! Today, I looked at all the couples in the eyes, to figure out how many of them were looking at each other with “love”. Even though they tried to block my view, I saw. I saw that their happiness was nothing compared to ours. I think I got jealous too. Because, they were sitting at the places we sat, they were doing the things we did, beautiful views were now theirs to enjoy.
Now, my best friend is my bed, with our photos all around, our songs in the background, the couples imitating us everywhere and the sadness in my tears. You’re reminding me of us from everywhere. The happiness we’ve had, my longing and the loneliness in my tears, all your marks.
Since we are over, I get to know loneliness more than I knew you. I’m fighting with myself, I’m missing you even more, I’m crying even more. I’m draining.
Today. Today is hurting me. When they show their love to spite me, I’m getting angrier at you.
What a stupid day. Today is our last day.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Iste boyle bi'seydir ilk ask.

Hayat. Sonunu bilmedigimiz derin bi bosluk. Icindekilerle mutlu olunan, sonu yokmuscasina yasanan. Peki ne ki bu kadar hayata baglayan, kendine inandiran? Cok. Bi dusunsene, dogum, buyume surecin, ailen, dostlarin. Ha bi de, o buyuk an; ilk ask. Aska inanmaya baslarsin. Ilk ask gelir, catar. Unutulmazdir, ayaklarin kesilir yerden, dunyan degisir, basin doner. Sarhossundur surekli, ama ayilmak istemezsin. Onun ellerini tutmak, gozlerine bakmak, kalbini dinlemek bambaskadir. Bir buyudur sanki. Uyumak istemezsin artik, ruya gormek istemezsin. Hep ayakta kalip, onunla ruyalari gerceklestirmek istersin, her saniye onunla gecsin istersin, onunla evlenip yuva kurmak, sonsuza dek onunla yasamak istersin, ama OLMAZ. O gider, uzulursun. Aska inancini kaybedersin. Senin icin artik hayatin bi anlami kalmaz hatta. Onunla dost olmayi denersin, o istemez belki de. gurur yapar, erkek adam ya. Bir gun geri donmesini beklersin, o donmez. Aradan zaman gecer, dost olursun, eski gunlere bakip gulersin, ama hala vardir icinde bi kipirti onunlayken, cunku o; ilk asktir, bambaskadir. Kimbilir, belki de o omur boyu senin en degerlin olarak kalacaktir.