Die before you.

I would like you die before you.

Do you think the new comers will replace the one that's gone?
I don't think so.
The best way is,
Keep my ashes in your room.
But make sure the jar is made of glass.
See through, clear glass,
So that you can see me inside.

Do you see what I'm giving up for you?
I've given up on being buried,
I've given up on growing flowers,
Just to be by your side,
I want to become ashes,
Just to live by your side.

Later on, when you die,
You can join my jar.
We can live together,
Your ashes in mine.

just then.

The days we used to just lay in bed, in each others arms, listen to music. It made us happy. Then we would fall asleep. When I open my eyes, seeing you there was the best feeling. We would hug each other so tight and promise we would never let go. Never ever leave each other. And it was gonna end like every other fairytale, we were gonna fight everything that was in our way and be happily ever after.

First love is something like this.

Life. A big dark hole that we don't know what's in it. But what gets you to be so attached to that mystery hole? Lots. Think about it; your childhood, your family, your friends.. Oh, and the biggest moment of all; first love. With your first love, you start believing in love, you have unforgettable times, you feel like flying, your world changes, your head spins. You feel drunk but you never wanna be sober. You just wanna hold his hands, looks at his eyes and listen to his heartbeat. First love becomes your fairytale. You never wanna sleep, you don't wanna dream. You wanna be awake and make the dreams real with him. You wanna marry him, build a family, a home, be with him forever, but it doesn't happen. He leaves, you cry. You lose your faith in love. Life makes no sense to you anymore, you don't even wanna live.
-Be careful, if you try being friends with him, he might not want it, because "he is a man and has pride".- 
You wait for him to come back one day, he doesn't. Time goes by and you become friends, even best friends. You look at the old days together and laugh. But still, there would be a twitch in your heart every time you're with him. Because he is your first love, he is special, the most precious. Who knows, maybe he will be your most precious love forever.

How many words can you swallow?

Sometimes the only thing you can think about is the man you gave your heart to. He doesn't leave your thoughts, you don't even realise that you're thinking about him. Then you get angry at yourself for thinking about him when you're not supposed to, so you put your head to the pillow, and whatever you do he is still in your dreams even in every breathe you take.

While you're afraid of getting used to him, you realise you became him. Without realising, you start acting like him. You smile like him, you think like him. You say I miss you calling you "aşkım". No matter how much your heart wants him, you can't tell yourself you can't have him. Whenever you see a happy couple you think of them as "you and him". When you see platonic loves in movies you say "Just go fucking tell him, it's not worth hurting yourself this much." when you can't even find the guts to do it yourself.

You start thinking about the old times. Keep saying "I wish I haven't.., what if..". He becomes the only thing that takes all your thoughts, but you cover your feelings with a paper, let him take over your thoughts and swallow everything you want to say then make him your 'everything'.

One day.

You're gonna have a life, without me in it. Because you're gonna have 'your life' and you're gonna be 'her life'.

One day, you're gonna let her love your eyelashes. She's gonna enjoy playing with your hair. She's gonna cook for you, you're gonna watch TV with her, watch movies underneath the warm blanket in her arms. Your nose is gonna be touching her neck to smell her, your lips are gonna kiss her. You're gonna walk around holding each others hands tightly. You're gonna hug her in your sleep. You're gonna tell her about your dream while you're heaving breakfast. You're gonna go to movies, watch games and she will be jealous of some of your friends. Then she's gonna meet your friends, your friends are gonna like her, you're gonna go out for drinks together, celebrate birthdays. You're gonna go on holidays, and maybe on the last day you're gonna sip your wines at the beach and make love everyday. You're gonna make love with someone else! Sometimes you're gonna play video games together, then go out for a freshening walk. You're gonna plan your overseas holidays together. You're gonna play with dogs, get some as pets. You're gonna have a house together. With someone else. Your mum's gonna buy her presents, she's gonna cook her favourite meals and ask about her. You're gonna love her so much. You're gonna fall in love with her madly. You're gonna love her. Her hands, her face, her body, her hair, her smile, her thoughts, her jokes, her everything! You're gonna love her.

And I'm gonna be sad. But it's gonna be better, I'm gonna get over it.

One day, I will have a great life too. I'm even gonna have 'my life' and I'm not gonna mention your name anymore. Because he will be 'my life' and I will be 'his'.

One day..

Good morning!

When I wake up in the mornings, I wanna see "Good morning baby" messages on my phone. I wanna miss someone during the day. I wanna miss him so much! And if I miss him so much and cannot wait anymore, I wanna go and hug him. I don't wanna wait!

I wanna think about him when I'm working, and smile just because he's on my mind. Then work harder with the smile.

I wanna love him like I've never loved anyone else. I want him to love me, like I've never been loved.
I want him to love me so much that he even loves my mistakes. I want him love me so much that I would be scared to make any mistakes.

I want him to be a little jealous. I want him to ask where I am, who's calling. But he doesn't need to worry, I won't bother him as much.

When I say "Do you know what happened?" excitingly, I want him to be patient and listen to me. Doesn't matter if he doesn't pay attention, I just want him to listen and say "Okay babe".

Touching hands.

There's a big difference between holding someone's hand and holding it tight! You either hold it, don't hold it or pretend to hold it. I wouldn't do either! Of course you know this. I mean, whose hand I would hold. You can't experiment it. You just know it. Know it! No description. And I will never go anywhere with a person if I don't hold his hand tight. Unless it is exciting and perfect, I'm never going to cook for anyone. And if the lines don't make sense, I won't watch movies with anyone.